I come to this website with every intention to write. I have so many thoughts its hard to think clearly... which ive come to realize over the years that this is more bad than good. When I think, I can see my thoughts in my head. Its weird. Ive always been that way. Sometimes I wish that I could just stop... just stop thinking because it gets me nowhere most of the time it leads to me acting irrationally and I dont understand.... why me? Why do I have all of these psychological issues. The family mental issues were passed down from my grandmother. Once all of us (me and my two cousins) hit our teenage years the psychological issues began. It is very hard to deal with personally, and I dont really know how the rest of them handle their condition but I know that even while medicated for my problem I still have issues that really fuck with my head. Sometimes I think that there is just no hope.... nothing will ever be able to level out the chemical inbalances in my brain. Maybe Im wrong. Most of the time I act before I think about what Im doing and it turns around on me and Im sick of living this way. Amanda makes me happy, she truly does. Out of anybody she is the one person who I just really want to get straight for. I dont want to lose her for any reason. Tonight I am in a artistic sort of mood but I dont know how to express myself anymore. Used to I would draw or I would write a song/poem but those things seem to have become difficult for me, when I used to be able to express my feelings in some way shape or form... I am no longer able to do this. It depresses me that I have lost interest in most everything and all of the things I love to do (mainly poetry) is no longer second nature to me but more like a task for some reason. I dont know I may try to write some sort of poetry here in a few but Im not sure how to begin.... what to base it on.... these things used to just come to me now I have to work hard and think deeply to come up with anything. I dont know I think I may give it a shot let me see what I can do.

Lost within myself 
Mentally I feel alone
The puzzle has fallen apart
Many pieces of me are gone
Its like I cant put my finger on
Whatever is holding me back
Theres something that Im missing
Im not too sure just what I lack
Im hurting deep within me
The meds can only do so much
Unfortunatly the pain is deep
My medication is only a crutch
Its something I can turn to 
When theres no where else to go
I can pop the tablets in my mouth
Then soon the pain wont show
I hide my condition very well
For the most part it doesnt show
It has taken years of work
So nobody will know
I have my scars to show me
How weak I really am
I never really want to die
So across the razor lands
With every gash I lose it
I have lost all self esteem
I find it hard to wake up each day
Knowing whats in store for me
I listen to their problems
I give them my advise
But none of them have any idea
My feelings deep inside
I have someone who loves me
Which makes me want to breath
Theres no way I could handle it
If she ever wants to leave
The only thing that keeps me goin
Is to see her face each day
She has my heart completely
I love her in every way.
I wish that I could help myself
With time maybe we will see
If I can hold on a little longer
I will be a whole new me.


 

i  dont know what to do... i want to stop writin in here but i cant. My mind is playing tricks on me or something. I feel psychotic. I have trouble seperating the truth from illusion. Sometimes Im not sure that the thoughts in my head are valid thoughts, like maybe they are just random thoughts that I have thought up for some unknown reason. It makes it hard to trust people, it makes it hard for people to understand me. Sometimes I feel like im alone in the world like all of these thoughts I wish I could publish somehow but they race so quickly I have no time to type everything that is on my mind. I am sitting here trying my best block out everyone and im doin okay but I can still hear their voices ringing in my ear.... everyone except amandas I can stand her voice I enjoy hearing her voice. But right now im alone... alone in my own little world where im all alone. just me and my vivid thoughts that i imagine in my mind,. I believe this is all that I am going to write in here right now. Good bye

Everytime I come here, I come here with a purpose. Suddenly sometimes I feel like I need to get things off of my chest but I cant  do this verbally. That is one of my main problems I cant verbally let things go and they build up and then they cause me feel the way I feel right now. I feel like I need to come here to express my emotions but I get here and have no idea how to put them into words. I am happy, I know that I am. But sometimes I feel like Im not doing something right like Im just not good enough and she isnt happy. I have been talking to Dane alot since he has been down here and we are so much alike its unreal im glad to know there is someone else in the world that i can relate with. I hate the way i treat amanda... she doesnt deserve it. She deserves much better than me but I have to admit I really am trying to give it my all and be the best girlfriend I can be. I love her so deeply its like nothing ive ever felt before. My life has changed since I have found her, the love of my life, my everything and more. I love her with every bone in my body. I hope we last forever but i dont see it ending anyime soon. OKay Im about to go to the store with Corey. So I will be back.... proabably to write again.  

I feel the need to type here. I want to get alot of things off of my mind for once. The weight on my chest has nothing on the thoughts racing through my mind. The problem is there are so many thoughts in my brain that I dont know where to begin. I want to let alot of things go from my my mind because slowly it is starting drive me crazy. I dont want to admit this and I dont know if i should so publicly. Let me start off my saying my great grandmother has full blown paranoid schizophrenia manic depressive disorder which is hereditary which as i have learned recently that not only was this gene passed down to me ( yes that is my secret ) it was passed down to all 3 of us kids, me and my two first cousins. I believe it is so heavily a part of grannys life that the gene was so dominent it was passed down to our generation. I also believe that the gene was passed down to my mom and aunts generation but not nearly as severe as what was passed to us. Recently I have learned by having a rare one on one with each of them that they not only have the same thoughts as I do they both fear what is to come of our future as far as mental status. I see a psychiatrist now, this was my last resort I hope that having this I will be able to vent and get help psychologically because I believe im beginning to hear voices. I cant be sure of this because i am quite confused about this. I believe im going to leave this at that and let you go. Have a good night... im going to smoke my negative thoughts away.

  So as usual, I dont know what to write about. Im just going to go with anything that pops in my head, that could be anything so prepare yourself to possibly be completely confused. Im going to start by mentioning, for some reason I just have this strong urge to continue writing in this journal daily if possible but I find it hard to have discussions about anything because my memory is poor now and its only getting worse. I have pretty much D/C the main component to my memory loss, so maybe, hopefully.. things will better memory wise. It scares me, it really does.. I think about it all of the time. Im not sure whats wrong with me exactly I mean I have a pretty good Idea as to what has caused my loss of memory but I cant be positive and I wonder if there is some kind of cerefolin type drug i can take to induce my brain to make more memory cells, I dont know.. I just worry. Im so lost in my life right now. There are so many things going wrong while at the same time everything is amazing thanks to my awesome better half. The girl of my dreams! She has become one of the major components in my life, one of the things I cant live without. She keeps me in line, she does things for me nobody else would ever think of doing little things like laying my work clothes out for me this morning, it was so sweet. She does everything she can possibly do to make me happy and I would do anything in the world to make her happy, anything she wanted I would do my best to make sure she gets it. Ive never loved anyone this way before, its something completely new.. it never gets old with her My heart still makes me want to be as close as possible to her at all times, touching her even if its just on the arm with my hand resting on it. The smallest things stick out the most, the little things that make me fall in love over and over again. Just the way she looks at me when shes kissing me takes my breath away and gives me butterflies like whoa. I couldnt be happier, I am so in love and for the first time I know its real because I know she loves me back and I have never had that feeling before. I always felt like I was never good enough like being with me was a chore. Now I feel like I have a soul mate who makes me feel like I am somebody at least I am to her. She is everything to me nobody could ever compare to her she will never be replaced and my heart is always hers. I plan on being with her forever and getting married and having babies eventually. Everything is so perfect, I dont want to rush things but i mean Yeah I stay here like every single day and night when im not working im here with her but Its not a bad thing at all. Im content when im with her, I dont need to go out and do things to have fun we can sit at home all alone and have the best time ever. I could go on forever about all the amazing things about her, words cant even describe my feelings they are undescribable but I feel it in my heart and its a great feeling. Nothing could be better, life is perfect. I hope Mana is in my life forever, so I can have MY happily ever after, that would be the only way for that to happen... My happily ever after consists of Mana and Me being together forever. I could not express how thankful I am that God placed her in my life. I believe we are good for each other, or at least she is good for me... I try my best to be good for her but I wonder sometimes If i dont do a good enough job at this. I guess I can only live for today, tomorrow is not promised.. If you only look to the future your present may pass you by and your time spent with another is never a guarentee so make sure you make the best of it while you still have it because you never know. If something happened and I died I want to die knowing that I showed her how much I really love her while im with her, I want her to know that when im away from her the only thoughts in my head have to do with her and specific times we had together.. It gets me through the day just thinking we have had alot of memories together in 3 months just imagine all of the memories we can make for the rest of our lives together.  I could talk about her all day long and never run out of stuff to say. I was going to talk about other things but I doubt anyone has read this far, its slightly long and you probably arent interested in what i have to say about my relationship and girlfriend. I thought about mentioning that I am high right now So my thoughts are racing more than usual. I have alot of things going through my head and Im just not sure if venting them in this journal is what I want to do or not. I am having trouble deciding. I can keep writing and Ill just assume that if you have made it this far then you may keep on reading but If you have not made it this far... there is no point in typing to you because your not reading this anyway. I just thought about the fact that, I have no drama in my life what so ever.. These blogs wont have anything extreme in them. I can tell stories of the past, Ive got good stories...that may be a good idea " Storytime with Jeezy" Ill have to look into that I may consider doing this. I feel like I have so much fun doing the crazy risky could be deadly things that I do... I dont mind sharing my experiences with people for their possible entertainment purposes. On another subject, I have hit a brick wall. I want to do something more with my life.. I really do but I have absolutely no idea what I really want to do.. I have so many dreams theres no way i can follow all of them. I think my bipolar disorder makes my taste change frequently because I start so many things that I never finish because I cant stay focused long enough to complete everyday tasks, i dont know if I get bored with stuff but my mind wonders. Its weird. Its really late right now, I dont think im going to sleep any time soon. I hope you people like long blogs because this one damn sure is. I just have so much to say and I can actually sit down and focus long enough to hold a conversation regardless of the fact that this conversation is only one sided as Im typing. Im not sure if you would call this talking to yourself because it kind of seems to me like it is. I dont know why but if you think about it who are you really typing to... its a journal.. when you write in a journal with pen and paper you dont intend for anyone else to read it so basically you are talking to yourself but covering it up by writing it down instead of saying whatever it is you need to say. Maybe Im wrong. I dont know. I kind of want to end this journal right now because im sorta sick of typing and my wrist is killin me.  Thanks for reading this far if youve made it here. 

VicSON

 Okay so my FRIEND needs to post in his journal sometime! Im watchin a movie right now so Im not postin shit.

Okay, Im back I smoked a cigarette now Im sitting in the bed while Mana tries to go to sleep. She has to go to work in like 3 1/2 hours. Its 4:43 am. Im extremely out of it right now...... or am I? I cant really tell. I dont know what the hell is going on. All I know is I cant type for shit tonight, im having to go back and fix everything im typing. I still dont know what im typing about I just want to start writing in this blog thing. So im sitting here watching Mana try to go to sleep... shes so cute I love her so much... she makes me really happy.. I could go on forever about how much she means to me. Ive never felt like this about anybody ever before. This is so much different than any other relationship ive ever had, this one actually means something... I feel this one in my heart and soul.. this is it! I couldnt ask for a better girlfriend. Im sure my friends would be glad to know that Im doing so well. I love life and I love being alive for the first time. I want to keep writing in here but I dont know what else to say, I kinda want to lay down... but i also want to smoke another cigarette. Im torn here. I dont know what to do. I know what... Im going to end this blog, shut down the computer, smoke a cigarette... then lay down. GOODNIGHT!

Okay so, ive decided i want to start blogging like more often and then eventually everyday. I have nothing specific to talk about im just gonna say whatever pops in my head. So first of all.... Tonight I am extremely high in so many ways. I had a party with That girl, then her friend Mary Jane stopped by ALOT... then we went to mushroom hill , you know what i mean... The last one hasnt hit me yet.  IM GOING TO SMOKE A CIGARETTE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!! 

Its been a while since I've been here and I feel like venting or something like that. Im pretty high right now. Ive decided to change my life, in many ways, the way i act, my ability to trust (my girlfriend), my anger issues... there is more im sure but I cant think of it right now. I have the munchies and I want to make something to eat so... im gonna end this now because i really have nothing more to say I dont even know why i wrote in here to begin with.. 

This permanent scar on my body
Reminds me of you
I think of it as closure
It was somethin I had to do
I promised you a clover
I made that promise true
Its gonna be with me forever
Just like my memories of you


At first I was just certain
I wouldnt make it one night alone
But several months have healed
The heart that aches when you are gone
I am doing so much better
My life has turned around
I was face first slowly dying
But i picked myself up off the ground

Im doing fine without you
In fact im happier than ever
But you will always be in my heart
From now until forever....

This permanent scar on my body
Will always remind me of you
So i will always have you with me
In everything I do.

Ill love you for forever
But its best that were apart
I have picked up all the pieces
And repaired my broken heart






Okay thats all... i had the urge to write so I did... and that was the result. Later!

i feel like talking alot. I dont know what about or anything like that I just want to talk. by talk I mean type. so i am typing away here. im going to be quite honest during this entry its mainly best friend who reads this anyways.. Im pretty high.... ON LIFE! HAHAHA Im not going to say anything illegal here i know the feds are sneaky bastards... i didnt mean that in a derrogatory (sp?) manner. But anyways. Before I sat here to do this I had so much I wanted to say but now that I am here everything is just a blur. For a while i forgot what the hell i was staring at on the screen for seven and a half minutes.... but luckily i kinda snapped back and was like oh okay.. i think im supposed to type here. So thats whats good. I really have no main direction for this entry to go on... I plan on talking about everything... letting you into my brain somewhat.. actually Im only doing this because I want to read it tomorrow and see what all they typed here... I give myself a sorta blank screen, a keyboard and a neyo mixtape and im good to go. Ill go to town and forget about everything else in the world and for that moment in time everything else stands still but im still moving. Its amazing. I love singing Neyo songs. As a matter of fact, I love Neyo period. Yeah so anyways. Ive been thinking alot lately for a change, Its amazing what you can learn from yourself when your alone together. I wrote some poetry.... I didnt finish anything. I had good intentions... I sang it freestyle while I washed the dishes ( i tend to do that an awful lot ) i tried to remember it but I lost it right when i got here. I believe there were chains involved. I love music. I wanted to say so much more but i forget! Nobody is probably going to read this anyways. Well someone is going to because I am going to. I pierced my lip by the way.... yesterday i did this and i did it through the scar tissue so it was pretty painful... it looks good though. Yeah. So im listening to alanis  i love her... Kristin says I sound just like her when i sing her songs. Kristin is the only person whos really heard me sing. I love to sing though. Geez I dont know what else to say. Im gonna just gonna end this here for some reason. Ill be back later maybe.

There are so many things i want to say. I created this thing for a purpose.. im going to put it to use.
Well... I dont know how deep i really want to get here thats the only thing holding me back. I have a journal that I physically write in, it knows all of my pain all of my feelings that NOBODY absolutely NOBODY else knows. I dont feel like writing right now so I guess this is the only way to let my emotions drain. Im about to let you in on stuff nobody knows, not even you.I feel as though if i dont let these feelings out They will hold me back from day to day life. As i have mentioned in the past I am on medication. This helps to a certain extent but for some reason there is always this place... this untouchable place nothing can get near. It hurts all of the time. Its that " on the verge of crying" feeling but i cant figure out why its there. I havent cried in so long and I want to so bad but I cant. I worry alot. I fear losing my best friend. I feel like hes going to go off into the military and once he gets there well.... theres no tellin from that point. It scares me.. Really bad. I dont really let him know this but... I honestly dont know what I am going to do when hes not here. I dread everyday that it gets closer to when he leaves. Im so terrified. The military has filled his head with all of these high hopes but thats what they do... they are like salesman. They fucking lie. I hate the united states and I do not support it, not one bit. I wish I were canadian. I cant stand the thought of Sheridan getting sent off to Iraq or something like that...I dont want to lose my best friend. Im honestly so terrified.. probably more than he is. I know hes scared too he just wont let his guard down enough to say it. I mean Ive been thinking about it and ..... I mean.. Ive lost friends before and it was hard but this would be unbearable. Woo.. I really had to get that out. okay im going now.

sevenoneone

So anyways... its been a couple days i guess but yeah... I cant remember what i was talking about last time so i will just post my current thoughts. I really thought i wanted to write in here but then i get on here and start typing and all ambition is lost... i stumble on my words( in my mind) i lose track of what im saying in my head and typing. I gets confusing and frustrating. But its giving me somthing to talk about I suppose because as i look at this screens the words keep coming. Its crazy. I was sitting outside smoking a cigarette and i was thinking. The first hit is so freaking good. It is by far the best hit of the whole cigarette. It has the most flavor without tasting like burnt mint chocolate. I mean the burnt chocolate taste is.... good i suppose but.. the first hit... that very first hit. Gosh. Im going now. Ive got all that off of my chest.